Things A Parent Should Never Say- Part II

The 2nd thing a parent should never say...

"If you do this, I will do that..."

“If you do your homework, I will be happy with you."

“If you don't do your homework, no candy for you.”

“If you don't stop hitting your sister, no ice cream for you and daddy will be mad at you.”

“If you pee on your bed, you are not going to auntie's house and you will not be mummy's friend.”

Conditional love is the biggest thief of grace in families. Our love for our children should NEVER be dictated by their behavior or actions.

A child should never perform to win our affection. Leaving the fridge door open for the third time in a day should not mean we have an attitude with the child. In essence, a child's behavior should NEVER dictate a parents love for the child. Rather, the parent's overwhelming love should dictate the child's behavior.

As parents, we should never withhold love or affection because of something the child did. This forces the child to go into performance mode which unfortunately, extends beyond the home. They have to perform to be liked by their teachers, their friends, boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses down the road.

Performance-based love communicates to the child their value is based on what they do and not who they are. This destroys their confidence and sense of self-esteem. Yes, life is performance-based but a parent's love cannot be. Our heavenly Father does not love us less because of our actions or behavior. Rather "Where sin increased, grace increased all the more" (Rom 5:20). The misbehaving child should be drawn closer.

In fact, a misbehaving child is usually is sign of depleted love bank account. Our yelling, and punishment only depletes the account further. But kind correction followed by our overwhelming love re-fills the love bank account and restores the relationship.

So what do you do when the child misbehaves?

You speak with them kindly
You speak with them gently
You speak to them with respect

Grace-Filled communication is our biggest weapon in dealing with misbehavior. We cannot sacrifice the relationship to correct the child. Rather we should enhance the relationship while correcting the child.

Here's the rule in parenting: correct quickly, restore kindly.

Unconditional love and acceptance should be the overwhelming theme in the home. When a child misbehaves in school, they are corrected immediately- ideally, no yelling let alone, beating. This should be followed by how much you love them and how much faith you have in them.

Smiles, hugs and kisses should not reduce because they wet their bed for the second time in a week. Instead, more hugs and kisses are needed. The child will eventually outgrow the behavior or pattern and draw closer to you. Kind words are always more effective than harsh words. And your relationship with your child is always more important than their behavior.

This morning let's pray for the grace to love our kids even when they misbehave. The Grace to love them when the children deserve to be punished. Now, some parents are OK with rules and performance based homes. But make a decision to be a Grace-Filled parent whose love is unmerited, undeserved and unconditional.

God bless you abundantly!

Samuel Antwi-Boasiako, MD
Grace-Filled Parenting
The Grace Movement