"Mummy, the toilet roll fell in the toilet bowl!"
"Mummy, the toilet roll fell in the toilet bowl!"
Well, I had asked my twin boys to stop playing with the toilet roll on two separate times already, but obviously, both fell on deaf ears. The next thing I heard was, "mummy, the toilet roll fell into the toilet bowl." What! Didn't I instruct the boys to stop playing with the toilet roll? I lost it. Already frustrated with a hectic day, I lost all my internal controls. Now I was scanning the kitchen for a punishment tool. I spotted this twig or some plant stem lying in some corner.
I grabbed the first boy and gave a quick succession of lashes. Then it came to the second boy. Haven't seen what his brother just went through, he sped to his father who was watching television in the living room. I wasn't having it. "How dare you escape my punishment?" I thought to myself.
I was raised by an ultra-strict father, who loved us so dearly but wouldn't repeat an instruction without consequences. I guess the little boy’s response triggered something from my childhood, perhaps my pride, or the sheer audacity to misbehave and then refuse punishment. None of that was going to fly in my house.
I chased him down but his father wouldn't let me discipline the boy. How dare this man connive with the child against me? Of course a physical tussle ensued. The boy got away but I unleashed my frustration and anger on my husband.
I spent the night awfully regretting what transpired the day before. Early in the morning, I went to my husband to apologize for the excesses of the previous day.
Unfortunately, that did not appease him. Before I knew it, I was reported to the British authorities.
I was immediately arrested and a restraining order was placed on me from the kids. I was destroyed. May be the judge will be understanding, I hoped. However, despite a remorseful plea the judge wasn't considerate. The court found me guilty of child abuse and sentenced me to 18 weeks in jail time.
18 weeks in jail for trying to discipline my own child?
Initially, I thought the sentence was a bad dream, but apparently it wasn't. I spent every single day crying and regretting what happened.
After serving jail time, my kids were taken away from me. I had to go through a tedious process of supervised visits to be able to see them. Even though this was 11 years ago, my heart sinks anytime I think about this.
But that was not the end. Unfortunately, my marriage which was already under pressure, couldn't take the extra stress from the case. The marriage fell apart.
Not long after coming home, I received a letter in the mail stating, the nursing board in UK has bumped me off their registry. Huh! Simply put, they have revoked my license to practice nursing due to my jail record. The most hurtful part of this was the fact the I couldn't appeal or do anything about it for 5 years.
My world came tumbling down. To this day, I don't know how I made it through the situation without losing my sanity. With time, my relationship with my children was restored. I was able to apologize to the twins and their older sister. As a matter of fact, earlier this month after learning about "mummy days" on The Grace Movement, I took my oldest daughter out for the day just before she moved into her dormitory in college. As we spoke over lunch, my eyes swelled up just thinking about everything the family had endured the past decade! It became clear to me how much I loved my children and how they are in fact an endless source of joy and pride in my life.
Now I live in constant regret as my heart grapples with many "why's" surrounding the situation.
Why didn't I let the boy go? Why didn't I regulate myself a little better? Where did that nasty twig even come from? And why didn't I bury my ego and talked to my husband earlier?
But the ultimate question I ask myself is, "was it worth it?" And the answer is obvious. You see, it was never about a toilet roll in a toilet bowl. It was rather about my pride and ego being flushed down the toilet. In many cases our punishments have nothing to do with the child or their offense. It has everything to do with the patents' pride, fear, anxiety or a trigger from our past experiences. And before you know it, something as trivial as a toilet paper will make you manic and abusive.
So, as you contemplate on this unfortunate story of mine, the question for you is, " is it worth it?" Is the yelling, screaming, hitting, and chasing around worth it? You might not go jail, but there is something more consequential than jail time. "Is the relationship between a mother or father worth that outbursts?
Scripture is also quite vocal on this subject.
"Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end." (Pro. 29:11)
The wisdom of God causes us not to exercise the full impulses of our anger. Amen!
Again, "A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense." (Prov. 19:11)
Wisdom yields patience and overlooking an offence is actually glorious.
This morning, my prayer for you is God grant you all the wisdom and patience you need to be a Grace-filled parent!
May God strengthen your soft spots as a parent, heal you of any anger or pride that threatens the relationship you have with your children.
And finally, may God grant you the self-control, self-regulation and self-discipline you need to parent, as God has parented us; the Grace-filled way!
God richly bless you!
(See you tonight for the climax of our Grace-filled parenting series.)
Narrated by Ama Appiah-Forson, (UK)
Written by:
Dr. Samuel Antwi-Boasiako
Grace-filled Parenting Series.
The Grace Movement
