I Understand You

“I understand you!”

Daughter: "It feels hot in here."
Mother: "No it's not. Its about 72°, which is perfect."

Daughter: "I hate my music class!
Mother: “Hey… common, don’t use strong words like that!"

Daughter: "I don't like the shoes, they are not nice."
Mother: "Don't say that! Those are beautiful shoes."

For most parents, as long as children remain children, their feelings, emotions, and to a large extent their opinions will remain childish! They are quickly met with varying degrees of dismissiveness, and disinterest.

As a parent, I know we mean well with these traditional responses, however beneath the veneer of constant challenges, we communicate to the child their feelings and emotions are illegitimate. In other words, by constantly disproving the child, we are delegitimizing their feelings. We are teaching them at an early stage not to trust their internal voice. Unfortunately, it is the same internal voice that develops into their conscience and conviction.

Even more profoundly, their internal voice becomes the very voice God uses to communicate with them.

As Grace-filled parents, our primary responsibility is to develop the child's internal voice. Give credibility to that voice and steer it in the right direction. There's a lot of emphasis on physical, and intellectual development, but according to studies the most important determinant of a child's success is their emotional development.

Firstly, the secret to emotional communication or coaching is to communicate understanding. Not to merely understand the child, but clearly communicate to the child you understand them. In fact, the best gift we can give our children is for them to know we understand and acknowledge all their emotions, good or bad. We don't have to always agree with the emotion or feeling, but one thing we cannot do is to delegitimize them with dismissive responses.

As with every important issue in life, the Bible is not silent.

"The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." (Prov. 20:5 ESV)

The purposes in our children's heart are deep wells. A parent with understanding is equipped to fetch them out! Amen!

How do parents actually do this? It starts by saying, the child's feelings or emotions are real, and they must be respected. In our interactions with children our first responsibility is to say "I understand you." We don't always have to agree with the child, but we can understand their perspective. We can let them know their thoughts and emotions are valid.

For example, let’s revisit the above scenarios;

Daughter: "It feels hot in here."
Mother: "oh wow... let me check the thermostat again."

Daughter: "I hate my music class!
Mother: "Oh no... you really must not like the class."

Daughter: "I don't like the shoes, they are not nice."
Mother: "Really... they seemed nice to me, but I can understand how you will not think they are nice."

These are simple opening responses, but they are the most powerful ways to touch a child's heart. They immediately remove the air of antagonism, and position the parent as someone the child can trust. Of course, in many cases the parent will continue to reason with the child, but communicating understanding will always be the raw material for emotional communication.

By this approach, we devolop the child emotionally, and build up their conscience and convictions!

God richly bless you. Join us on Friday night for another impactful session. Sign up below to receive these devotionals through WhatsApp or email.

Thank you!

Samuel Antwi-Boasiako , MD
Grace-filled Parenting
The Grace Movement